Spotting the Red Flags in Teen Relationships - From Friendships to Dating
- Shatter the Silence North East
- Sep 20
- 6 min read
This month our focus is teen relationships, and this week we have been looking at spotting the red flags from friendships to dating.
As someone who grew up in an environment without the internet and mobile phones, my life was very different through my teenage years.
Although learning and developing as a teenager tends to echo across the board, we grew up without the insidious nature of the web.
Not having that allowed us privacy and safety when things felt too much, and in turn that allowed us time to grow and develop in a healthy way.
Our teens are in a very different place to where we were just 30 years ago, and this means that our jobs as parents have become incredibly difficult when it comes to protecting our children not just from in-person abuse, but also online abuse.
The terrifying reality is that abuse can appear anywhere and in any space that would have once been deemed save and private.
Recognising the early signs of abuse, whether it be within an intimate relationship or within a friendship is key to keeping our teens safe.
Even the most prepared teens can be knocked sideways when it happens, so the question is - how do we protect our teens? How do we teach them to protect themselves, and how do we recognise the signs before abuse really takes hold?
As a parent, one of our most important tasks is teaching our children self-respect, value, independance and strength.
Creating an environment that allows them to grow in a positive way is tantamount to the choices that they will make around friendship and partners as they grow older, and it's surprisingly simple to teach them the basics.
It starts with YOU and becoming a positive role model in all areas of life.
We talk about role models with young children and teens regularly, but what we don't always realise is just how much of an important role model we are as parents, and this also extends to the people you have around your children.
Their early influences are incredibly influential on how they will view themselves and their personal value as they begin to create external relationships, so ensuring that they are surrounded by the right influences is essential to healthy development.
Your own actions, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem are powerful teaching tools so it is vital that you practice self respect and awareness around them - but what does that look like?
Self respect is taking care of your needs, speaking positively about yourself and handling mistakes as learning opportunities rather than negative experiences.
It also incorporates self care which is vital to how our children feel about themselves.
Teach your children the importance of caring for their body - both inside and out.
Eat well, rest and talk about how they feel in a healthy way that allows them to process emotions rather than bury them.
Their feelings should always be validated, even if you don't agree with them.
As a teenager, it becomes very hard to open up, so knowing that regardless of their feelings there is always a safe space for them to open up is vital as they begin navigating personal relationships.
Check out the link below for more suggestions on developing your children in a healthy way -
Whilst these development tools are weapons that strengthen and facilitate healthier relationships for your teen/s - on their own they do not guarantee this.
Its important that we understand the red flags associated with abusive relationships, and that we talk about these openly so our kids understand how a healthy relationship should look, and what behaviours they need to avoid.
What does abuse look like?
The reality is, abuse doesn't change dependant on age and the same things that you would look for as an adult will also appear within teen relationships.
It can appear in many different guises - from emotional to physical to digital to coercive. Every single one of these will cause untold damage over time not just to self esteem, but to confidence, self belief, independance and other relationships and friendships.
The importance of healthy, intimate relationship during teenage years cannot be stressed enough.
Its vital to remember - these are their first real experiences and they have the potential to set the tone and expectation of what a relationship is for years to come.
So, what do you watch out for?
Recognising these behaviours before they take hold and helping your teen to understand them early on will encourage them to set healthy boundaries and seek help before the situation escalates.
Consent and coercion are also vital to understand.
This is something we should be teaching our children from a very young age.
Its vital that they understand that NO IS ALWAYS OKAY.
Nobody should ever feel pressured to do something that they don't want to do.
It doesn't matter if it is an intimate relationship or a friendship, no always means no and it is vital that your children not only understand that for themselves, but also for others.
Consent must always be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific to the situation. (FRIES model)
It is so much more than just a word, and is one of the most important things that we can teach our children about protecting themselves and the people around them.
Boundaries are vital to physical and emotional health, and if those people around you don't respect those boundaries then they are not people you should have around you. This counts for adults as much as it does children.
Saying no does not make you a bad friend or partner.
It protects you, your safety and your self respect.
Abuse can take different forms across different types of relationships and its important to be aware of that.
Friendships: Controlling who you are friends with. Putting you down. Sharing personal secrets/conversations.
Family: Overly critical. Manipulative. Witholding emotionally to get what they want.
Intimate: Pressure for physical/emotional intimacy. Isolation from friends/family. Extreme jealousy.
Online/Digital: Monitoring messages/location. Pressure for photos. Spreading rumours. Bullying.
Although it can look different depending on the relationship, there are common threads that will always show.
Control. Disrespect. Boundary Violation
As parents, friends, teachers, family members etc - its vital that we monitor our young people even if its from a distance.
Watch out for things like change in mood, behaviour or social patterns.
Talk openly at home about healthy relationships and what they look like and echo that within your own relationships, especially the ones that your child/ren witness.
Always offer support and understanding without shame. Although its important that accountability and reflection are encouraged, shame is a negative emotion that will create a lot of damage and make them much more vulnerable to abuse.
Teach your children to recognise the red flags within relationships and to always trust their instincts.
If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
Talk to them about always opening up to someone they trust.
As a parent, its important to understand that sometimes we are just too close to them for them to feel comfortable talking to us, but if they know that they can talk to someone that will always leave the door open if they need to walk through it.
Help them understand and set boundaries that they feel are important for them.
Encourage them to say no when it matters and help them practice that.
The more they do it, the easier it will become.
Teach them about self care - whatever that might look like for them.
Self care is something we should all practice regularly, and encouraging that habit as they are growing and developing means that they are more likely to carry it through into adulthood.
For some hints and tips, check out our resource hub -https://www.shatterthesilence.info/resources
We are adding to it all the time with new things you can do which will help to calm your mind and focus inwards for just a short while so subscribe to keep up with everything.
You can also check out our new tik tok account with videos going on every Sunday focussing on 15 minute recharges for self care.
Nobody should feel unsafe in their relationships. Nobody should feel fear or shame, no matter who they are.
Spotting red flags early can prevent harm and help set the stage for much healthier, more respectful relationships whether in dating, friendships, family or online.
Always remember -
Your feelings matter.
Your boundaries matter.
You deserve relationships built on respect and care
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