When Love Hurts: Understanding Abuse in Teenage Relationships
- Shatter the Silence North East
- Aug 31
- 7 min read
When we talk about abuse, we regularly assume that the abuse is happening within an adult relationship.
However it looks, its rare to consider the fact that abuse can begin much younger than adulthood, and the very people in our lives who are the most vulnerable are actually the most at risk.
Abuse doesn't wait for adulthood.
Teenage relationships - often a teens first experience of love, trust and intimacy are an explosion of emotions that can make things very intense.
Learning how to navigate the complex nature of an intimate relationship is extremely complicated even as an adult, and the risks for our teens are just as real as they are for adults. Maybe even more so.
What makes this type of abuse so damaging is the emotional impact that comes with it.
When someone is experiencing abuse this early, not only does it have a huge impact on confidence, self esteem and self belief, but it also sets a tone for all future relationships. When we don't discuss what a healthy relationship looks like with our teenagers, their only experience becomes what their first relationships are.
Control, jealousy and manipulation can be easily mistaken for affection, and rather than a teen learning how to navigate a healthy relationship, these abusive elements can teach them that love and pain go hand in hand.
Within any abusive environment, self worth is shaped by experience.
For children and young adults who are so dramatically impacted before they fully understand what their relationships should look like, this can shape confidence, leaving them feeling that they don't deserve respect and that walking on eggshells is quite simply part of being with someone.
The truth is, abuse at 15 feels no less real than it does at 25.
Emotional and physical scars can last for many years, not only influencing future relationships but also a young persons sense of safety and identity.
Recognising and addressing abuse in teenage relationships is so important for this reason. By breaking the pattern and the silence early, you allow them to recognise that love should not hurt and that they are worthy of so much more.
When we look at the statistics around abuse within teenage relationships, it is deeply concerning and yet, what we see only scratches the surface.
Current research suggests that around 25% of girls and 18% of boys report experiencing abuse, but even more concerning is that a huge amount of abuse - especially within LGBTQ+ relationships is not reported. Part of the reason for that lies in the fact that our LGBTQ+ teens face even greater isolation due to the stigma and the risk of them being outed if they haven't yet opened up about who they are.
These numbers reflect only those who have spoken out, so what do we need to do to encourage our teens to talk?
It starts with an understanding of why they won't.
Many teens never report abuse because being able to understand the reality of what is happening in a way that allows them to explain it is almost impossible.
Sometimes they just don't have the words.
Sometimes they worry that they won't be believed or that talking about it will actually just make things worse. For others, the idea of speaking up can feel almost impossible if they are not ready to talk openly about their relationship, or worry their experiences will be dismissed.
The silence doesn't just distort the numbers.
It deepens the damage done.
Living with the weight of abuse in secret at any age is incredibly destructive, but doing it as a teenager plays a huge part in the erosion of a young person's safety and identity, and teaches them to bury pain rather than asking for help.
Every unreported case of teenage abuse is a young life slowly being destroyed, confidence being eroded and shame becoming the norm.
By recognising the signs attached to abuse, we begin to see the problem is so much bigger than originally anticipated. Recognising where the dialogue starts is vital in changing lives before too much damage is done.
So, the question is, how do you recognise the signs of potential abuse?
Abuse within a teenage relationship is unlikely to look the same as it does in an adult one. It isn't necessarily going to be bruises, shouting or hurtful comments made out to be jokes.
More often than not, teenger abuse hides under the radar.
It's quieter, more insidious and harder to spot - especially when young people themselves don't fully understand how a healthy relationship looks.
For a teenager, abuse can look something a little like this...
How do you recognise those changes so that you can help your child, student, family member or friend?
For parents, teachers, friends and carers the signs will be there. They will just be a little less direct. This is why we need to 'see' our teens and know what to watch out for.
Your teen may become unusually withdrawn, secretive, or anxious about their phone.
They may begin to drop hobbies or friendships they once loved to prioritise a partner’s demands.
There will be visible drops in self-esteem—talking badly about themselves and appearing fearful of upsetting someone.
There may be unexplained changes in mood, school performance, or an unwillingness to engage with family.
There could be signs of physical harm that don’t quite add up, paired with a reluctance to talk.
It's really important to remember that recognising abuse is never about labelling or shaming anyone - no matter what the age of the victim.
Its all about starting a dialogue and opening the door to a possible conversation.
For a teenager, recognising these behaviours as unhealthy can be the first step towards realising that what they are experiencing is wrong and this is not how relationships should be.
Following the recognition of those signs with a safe, non-judgemental space that allows your teen to talk could make the difference between them asking you for help or staying silent.
Abuse will always thrive in silence. Recognition is the first step to breaking that.
What can we do to break that silence and give them the space to talk?
One of the biggest hurdles for a teenager is finding the courage to speak up about even the most simple of things, so being able to tackle a topic like abuse can become almost impossible.
Whether its a fear of not being believed, a fear of being blamed, the shame that regularly goes along with abuse will more often than not keep them quiet.
Its important to realise that for them, as with any one experiencing abuse, opening up will leave them worried that the abuse will escalate.
Many will stay silent rather than risk the potential fallout.
As adults, its vital that we create and cultivate safe spaces for our teens where they can share whatever they need to without any fear of recrimination or disbelief.
This can start with a trusted friend, a teacher or a family member.
What is important is that wherever it begins, its met with compassion, belief and no judgement.
"I'm here. I believe you. Its not your fault" can be the lifeline a teen needs to begin to step away.
We all have a part to play in normalising conversations around abuse, whether it be in a school setting, at home or in a youth organisation.
The more openly we talk about it as adults, the easier it will make it for them to come to us if they ever need to.
Trusted Adults:
For many teens, the first step is confiding in someone they know such as a parent, guardian, teacher, youth worker, or a close family friend.
These conversations aren’t always easy, but a trusted adult can offer safety, guidance, and advocacy. Even if that adult doesn’t have all the answers, their belief and support can give a young person the courage to seek further help.
School and Community Support:
Many schools now have safeguarding leads, pastoral care teams, or counsellors trained to deal with issues like abuse.
Youth centres and community organisations can also provide safe, confidential environments where young people are listened to and guided toward professional support.
Professional Help:
For those who feel unable to speak to someone they know, helplines and support services are available.
In the UK, organisations such as Childline (0800 1111), the NSPCC, and Refuge provide confidential advice and emotional support. Specialist LGBTQ+ services can also help young people who may face additional barriers in being heard.
Check out our contacts page for details on organisations that are there to offer support.
Emergency Situations:
If a teenager feels they are in immediate danger, calling 999 is always the right step. Abuse is never something to minimise, and emergencies deserve an urgent response.
Support for Parents and Carers:
It can be deeply distressing to learn that a child is being abused.
Parents and carers should know that support is also available for them through local domestic abuse services, GP referrals, or organisations like the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247). Supporting a teenager means also ensuring that adults have the tools and emotional strength to help them through.
No teenager should ever feel they have to face abuse alone.
Pathways to support exist, but it starts with breaking through the fear and shame that often surrounds these situations. With the right help, safety and healing are possible.
We need to stop seeing teenage relationships as 'just a phase' and recognise that these are the relationships that will form the patterns for the rest of their lives.
Together, as parents, friends, family, teachers and communities we have the power to change the dialogue and destroy the stigma.
It starts with shattering the silence around abuse and making sure our teens have the tools and support to know that no matter what, we will always be there.
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