When Love, Friendship or Family Hurts - The Emotional Impact of Abuse in Adolesence
- Shatter the Silence North East
- Oct 1
- 8 min read
Abuse during adolesence is rarely inflicted through physical harm.
Although this can happen, some of the worst abuse is inflicted quietly through words or behaviours, often causing some of the most profoundly disturbing damage, and leaving deep emotional wounds that can take decades to heal - if they ever do.
Emotional manipulation, coercion, betrayal of trust and gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship that your teen experiences, whether it be familial, friendship or romantic. Preparing them for these possibilities becomes vital in encouraging them to recognise their worth, set boundaries that they are comfortable with and make sure they are strong enough to walk away from anything that is not helping them to grow in a positive way.
This week, we want to focus on what these different types of emotional abuse look like, the impact it can have on your teens mental health and why understanding consent and coercion is vital to making sure that they only take part in things that they are comfortable with.
Beyond the Bruises: What Emotional Abuse Looks Like?
Even as adults, it can be hard to recognise emotional abuse.
Gaslighting and manipulation, isolation, silence, controlling behaviour and online harrassment can all be disguised as love, leaving the victim confused and doubting their own reality.
Understanding what is love and what is abuse can become almost impossible, and the longer it goes on - the harder it becomes to see the reality of what is happening.
Recognising the early signs is vital so we wanted to breakdown what to look for with each of the most common forms of abuse.
Please remember, with some of these, context is a vital thing to consider, but here are some of the most common phrases that someone who is gaslighting or manipulating you will use:
"I'm sorry if you're mad, but..."
When used by a gaslighter, the 'but' is usually followed by a list of reasons why you are wrong for being mad. There is no responsibility taken for what has upset you. Only a list of reasons why you are actually the problem.
"You're too emotional..."
This is their way of trivialising how you are feeling.
Rather than accept that they have done something to hurt you, they turn the blame back onto you leaving you to question your reaction adn reality.
"You just think that's what you mean. That's not what you actually mean..."
Not only are they implying that you don't know your own mind, but that they know you better than you know yourself.
Over time, this technique will leave you questioning everything you thought you knew and feeling like you can only trust your abuser.
"You don't want that. Not really..."
A gaslighter will use this to make you feel like you don't really know what you want and that they know what is best.
The reality is, they just don't want you to have or be part of something and will convince you that your ability to make decisions for yourself is massively flawed.
"That never happened". "It didn't happen that way". "Why would I make that up" or "Are you sure you didn't dream that..."
Your memory is an important part of your day-to-day narrative.
Throwing that into question is a very clever way of manipulating you into feeling confused and unsettled.
Hearing these phrases from someone you trust can leave you beginning to believe what your abuser is telling you rather than your own reality.
"You know I would never hurt you on purpose..."
Context is important with this. Coming from someone who has made a genuine mistake, this could be part of a sincere apology.
Coming from a gaslighter who repeatedly hurts you and then refuses to take responsibility for it is another way of shifting the blame.
Not only does it prevent them from having to accept responsibility, it can leave you feeling sympathy for their 'accidental' abuse which they may then try to blame on you.
"You're crazy. So and so thinks you're crazy too..."
Isolation is key to gaslighting, and an abuser will regularly use other people that are important to you to make you feel alone and powerless.
They tend to use general terms like"everyone thinks there is something wrong with you" or "all our friends know you have problems".
This is their way of removing your support network and leaving you completely dependant on them.
These are just a few examples of gaslighting phrases that abusers use.
Their continual use over time can be extremely damaging not just to mental health, but external relationships.
Isolating a victim allows an abuser to control the narrative, and for your teen this can leave them in an almost constant state of confusion.
Isolation abuse and controlling behaviour can be a little more difficult to recognise. Although there are tell tale behaviours that gaslighters will use to isolate their victims from family and friends, we all know that those first few weeks of a romantic relationship are intense. All you want is to be with the other person and quite often, that first period of time is all about the two of you and nobody else.
As things settle though, bringing family and friends back into the circle should happen and if it doesn't, there could be something wrong.
Its important to remember that as with gaslighting and manipulation, isolation abuse does not just happen in romantic relationships. It can happen in any kind of relationship that your teen has.
So, what are the signs for them to watch out for?
"What do you mean you're seeing your friends Friday? I was going to plan a romantic night for us..."
"I really wanted to see you tonight. I don't want to go for a whole day without seeing you..."
"I know you want to spend this weekend with your family but I wanted to take you somewhere nice, just me and you..."
At first, these type of tactics seem harmless.
Its romantic and endearing and we don't want to disappoint them.
Plans with friends and family may get pushed back to the following week, and then pushed back again, and again and again...
There will be a distinct drop in taking part in things that were once really important. Hobbies and interests disappear and all of a sudden, every spare minute is being spent with this person. What was once intoxicating has become toxic and claustrophobic, turning into total control over your everyday life.
"Where have you been..."
"Who were you talking to..."
"Why didn't you answer your phone..."
"Why are you wearing that..."
"Who are you texting..."
"What are you hiding..."
If this behaviour isn't stopped, the questions often become worse, turning into threats and demands.
"You will not leave the house..."
"You will not use your phone..."
"You are not allowed on social media..."
'You cannot wear that..."
"You will not talk to friends or family without my permission..."
Isolation and control is all about removing the support network of your teen.
The more people, places and activities that they can remove from everyday life, the more control they have over everything that they do.
The important thing to remember is that this is not love, and it won't stop on its own. Control and isolation tend to continue to get worse over time.
A healthy relationship allows both sides to explore their own interests and hobbies and continue friendships and familial relationships without any concerns being raised.
Silent treatment is another form of abuse and used as a psychological weapon, it can be devastating and confusing.
Sometimes, stepping away from a situation before it blows out of control can be necessary, but being left in silence with no real understanding as to why there is no communication is an incredibly cruel way to control someone, and the pleasure that an abuser can take in that control is extremely disturbing.
It is a very deliberate, very manipulative form of punishment, leaving you with significant psychological distress for prolonged periods of times.
This type of abuse can manifest itself through ignored messages online despite confirmation that they have been read.
It can show itself as calls that are not answered or someone refusing to even acknowledge your presence despite being stood in front of you.
The result is a power imbalance within the relationship, often leaving the victim feeling that they need to 'repair' the issue, no matter how that looks.
That can be making promises, apologising even if it isn't their fault or going so far as to offer sex.
Not only does this create resentment but it is important to remember - if sex is expected to break the silence, then this is not consent. This is coercion by the abuser and another form of abuse.
Its important that our teens and our children understand all the warning signs as they move into the world of personal relationships.
Abuse rarely stays within one lane and can manifest itself in several different types of behaviour throughout a relationship.
For teens, a lot of the time these relationships are their first foray into intimacy with another person and the damage being done can have a long lasting impact on their future relationships, leaving them exceptionally vulnerable to more abuse as they become older.
As previously mentioned, emotional abuse will not always manifest itself in romantic relationships, but can also show within friendships and families.
Friends can use loyalty, guilt or rumours as ways to control.
Online abuse through friendship groups is frighteningly common, and the insidious nature of it leaves victims unable to find any safe space that allows them to protect their peace.
Family dynamics can often leave certain family members feeling undermined, their confidence questioned with criticism and control.
When this type of abuse comes from someone we love and trust, it can become difficult to see it as abuse, instead reframing the narrative as love and concern.
Many teens will question whether what they are experiencing is actually abuse. The reality is- if it hurts you, it matters and it needs to be tackled.
Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars but its impact is profound.
When we ignore abuse, it can carry on into adulthood, manifesting itself as anxiety, depression, panic, low self esteem, addiction, self harm, or even start your teen/young adult down the road of becoming an abuser themselves.
By talking openly about consent, control, coercion, boundaries and self worth with our children, we are helping to give them the strength to hopefully walk away if they find themselves in an abusive situation.
We are teaching them to not just respect and stand by their own boundaries, but also to understand and respect boundaries set by others.
We are making sure that they understand that there is a difference between true consent and coercion, and that they should never feel pushed into something they don't feel comfortable doing, or try and push someone else into something they aren't comfortable with.
By teaching them about healthy relationships and the importance of external support networks with family and friends, we are teaching them to not only live their own lives alongside their relationships, but respect and understand that their partner/friend/family member is also entitled to have their own time and hobbies that may not include them.
By helping them to understand self worth and the very minimum of what they should expect in all their relationships, not only are we giving them the building bricks to demand better for themselves, but we are giving them the tools to understand the worth in others.
As parents, watching our children turn into teenagers and start to break away from us and explore their own world can be tough, but the reality is, with the right tools, open and honest conversation and an understanding of healthy relationships, you can give them the best possible start and hopefully help to break any potential cycles of harm.
There are plenty of support networks out there that you can speak to for advice if you think that your child may be at risk.
Check out the list below or contact us directly at shatterthesilence@gmail.com or via the contact form on the website.
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