Life In The Shadows - Sexual Abuse.

Like every other subject we have touched on, sexual abuse is too huge to talk about in one article so we will be coming back to it over the coming months, but its important to begin to understand the devastation that this type of abuse can cause.

For many years it has, and in certain circumstances it still continues to be very much a taboo subject.

This type of abuse is something that leaves a permanent imprint not just on individual lives, but on entire generations, systems and communities. The cost is huge not just for the survivors, but also those around them and the reality is, this seems to be the type of abuse that people struggle the most with.

Whether it is questioning the reality of it happening, or the utter disbelief that the person in question could do something so terrible, the very idea of it is too horrific to contemplate. As a result, sexual abuse is regularly disregarded and swept under the carpet rather than those around the victim facing the truth and acting on the accusations.

Today's blog is an honest exploration of the reality of sexual abuse, both historic and current - and a call to action for us all.

We all need to start listening, start believing, start challenging the rhetoric around this and start demanding change.

We need to begin to give those who abuse nowhere to hide.

Survivors of abuse are often told they are brave, strong and inspirational.

Be under no illusions - they absolutely are - but the reality is until you find yourself in a situation that requires it, you don't realise that bravery is not really a choice.

Its a necessity.

It shows up as you breathe your way through panic attacks to get your emotions back under control.

It shows when you leave the house to go to a job knowing that within those four walls, you are carrying a weight that you have to hide for your own protection and that is crippling you.

Bravery shows when you wear a smile, laughing and playing with your children in the hope that you will be able to protect them from what is happening.

Its holding down a conversation and surviving in a world that doesn't want to know because its too uncomfortable to talk about, yet your reality is drowning everything else out as it screams at you from inside your mind - over and over and over...

The strength it takes just to get out of bed and function is beyond compare.

When someone has not only destroyed you mentally, but has also invaded your body without your consent in indescribable ways, it takes everything in you to try and appear as normal as possible. While society applauds 'survivor strength', it rarely takes the time to understand the emotional and physical cost of it.

From exhaustion to hyper-vigilance and the extreme loneliness and isolation, the cost continues to grow until you are able to begin to truly recognise that it really wasn't your fault. Until that point, it is almost impossible to begin healing.

Survival is strength that you find when you have no choice but to be strong.

Bravery is testimony to that strength when you become able to talk about it.

Whether that be with a therapist, the police or even just someone you trust enough to confide in, it takes huge amounts of trust to take that step.

Resistance is the recognition that you no longer have to feel the way you do and you can begin to take back your control one tiny step at a time.

There is no easy way to tell anyone that somebody has abused you, and that becomes so much more difficult if the person in question is someone who is loved, respected and admired. Although we see many more people speaking openly now, there is still a long way to go.

Reputation is King, and the need to protect that reputation often takes over the need for justice and the removal of an abuser.

For survivors, silence is never about complicity.

It is the only way they can protect themselves from the questions, disbelief and the look of doubt that they expect to see in someone's eyes when they open up about something so despicable that it can barely be comprehended.

The shame that lies within sexual abuse in whatever form it takes hasn't grown within the isolation of the victim but the disbelief within society.

Comments like the below are incredibly common and devastatingly damaging.

"Did you see what she was wearing?"

"Why didn't you scream?"

"Why now?"

"Why did you stay?"

Even political or police campaigns that put the responsibility on friends to look after each other on a night out seem to focus on the responsisbility of the victims rather than the abusers. The question is - why?

Maybe for society, its easier to make it the victims fault than it is to accept that someone can commit that kind of atrocity with no remorse, understanding or care as to the damage that they have done.

When someone stands up and shares their story, no matter who its with, that takes great courage. Its so much more than disclosure.

Its a powerful statement of complete trust and like any disclosure of abuse, it deserves so much more than doubt.

Just because abuse may end, it doesn't change the damage that has been done.

Historic abuse is far from a closed chapter and the anxiety, trauma and distress will continue to live on within the body for decades.

It can manifest itself physically with panic attacks and physical ailments that are unexplainable alongside mental signs like addiction, isolation, disassociation, depression, anxiety and mistrust.

The reality is, these are only a handful of the potential issues that can arise as a result of abuse, and a child who was silenced will live with the consequences of that silence as an adult.

So often, historic abuse has occured in a place of trust.

It can be someone's home with a family member or trusted friend.

A church with a trusted priest or bishop.

A school, a childrens home, a hospital...

The damage becomes twofold because the abuse not only comes from someone who is supposed to protect you, but also occurs within a system/environment that is there to provide care and safety.

The reality is that a public enquiry, expose' and apologies do not change the damage that was done, but what it does do is validate you as a survivor.

It gives you something to confirm that what you suffered was real and that it should never have happened.

Maybe what is learnt will change things for other people moving forward, but knowing that you have been heard becomes a massive step in the healing journey.

Survivors of historic abuse will regularly wait decades to get justice, if indeed it ever happens.

Many don't ever get their day in court though, and many times if they do, their abuser has died by the time these atrocities come to light.

The thing to remember though is that sometimes its not about justice in a court room.

Sometimes, just being believed can be enough to begin to change everything.

Despite everything we now know about trauma, and the growing awareness of safeguarding, consent and preventing coercion, abuse is still a very regular occurence in many homes, businesses and places of trust.

Unfortunately, alongside this are the huge numbers of survivors who are re-traumatised when they come forward and are not believed by those they put their trust in to protect them.

Modern day abuse is a very different monster from years ago.

It can show itself digitally. We saw it recently in the first sentencing given to someone who had sent an unsolicited photo. This was a monumental win over something that happens regularly, and a recognition that although this may seem like an insignificant act, it is completely and utterly unacceptable.

Sexual abuse can show itself emotionally through gaslighting, coercion, criticism and the destruction of someone's confidence.

It can appear within a romantic relationship. Whether that be a marriage or a long term relationship - control, coercion and unwanted sexual acts or rape are still abuse.

However it manifests, we still expect survivors to prove their stories, but what happens when that can't be done?

More often than not, their story is disregarded and they are left to live with not only the trauma of not being believed, but the trauma of what happened to them.

Have we really considered what would happen if instead of demanding proof from the victim, we cultivated a society and system that prioritised safety, dignity and support and put the burden of proof on the offender as much as the victim?

What if we took disclosures as seriously the first time they were made as we should?

How much of a difference would that make to someone who has been brutalised, raped and abused?

Not every survivor will want to speak out, but that's okay.

Survival is a very personal journey and is so much more than disclosure.

Not speaking doesn't mean someone has lied about their experience.

Healing is very unique and recovery is far from linear. There is no right way to be a survivor.

Some will speak out and demand that these issues are talked about openly so that real change has a chance.

Some will write and some will never tell a soul.

Every route to healing is as valid as the last.

Empowering yourself after trauma and abuse is not, and should not be about exposure unless that is the right choice for you.

It should only ever be about autonomy - the right to choose how you process your experiences, how you move forward and how you speak out - if you ever do.

If any of you need help or support, whether you are ready to talk or not - there is help out there and it is confidential, free and offered with no judgement.

We are here at Shatter the Silence and will do what we can to help you find your way through what has happened, but there are also a huge amount of organisations around the UK who offer support for anyone who has been affected by sexual abuse.

• Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 500 2222

• NAPAC (for adult survivors of childhood abuse): 0808 801 0331

• The Survivors Trust: 0808 801 0818

• Samaritans (24/7 for anyone in distress): 116 123

• NSPCC (for children and adults concerned about child safety): 0808 800 5000

For those who have spoken about your abuse, we hear you and we thank you for speaking out.

For those who aren't yet ready to, we are here for you and will do everything we can to support you.

For those still in pain and rebuiliding their lives - you have got this.

Your abuse should never have happened, but healing - although complex and difficult is most definitely possible.

It starts with truth.

Its starts with community and it starts with the simple act of listening and believing.

Lets start to Shatter the Silence around sexual abuse.